My little baby sister got engaged today!! Congratulations Lyndsey & Brian! I'm so happy for you both.

(btw: just so that you can look at this picture right, my sister is about 5' 7'')

I'm sorry I haven't been writing very much. The truth is that I don't know what to write. You know that Kevin's grandmother is ill and we have been back and forth between LA quite a bit. I don't want to go into the details because Kevin has a beautiful post he is working on writing that will explain things better than I can right now. But the short of it is that things are not going well.

Amidst all of this we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin's fathers sudden death, only a day after Kevin's birthday.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to watch Kevin have to go through this all. I know that I have done everything I can to help him and his family. I know that just being there I have helped Kevin. But, like with all death, I feel very helpless and useless.

I find myself frustrated with many things in life right now and I have less and less desire to be around people. I was actually relieved with Ceili dancing was canceled last night because as much as I know it might have been distracting and that people there would be supportive, I still feel like its a public place and I have to be strong and have on a good face.

I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted right now, and the less times I HAVE to be strong the better. Too many tears in a public place and suddenly its a scene. I was ever so grateful to spend my evening with Ali and Krissy and Ester with chocolate and alcohol and hot tub and kitchen counters no worries about being strong. Being somewhere I felt like I could cry if I wanted to and not worry about it. Being somewhere comfortable where I didn't have to be alone.

I'm not getting stuff done either. Today I will because I need to get more pictures scanned so that Kevin and I can finish the photographic slide show of Grandma Kitty. But other that stuff directly related to what MUST be done ASAP, I find myself distracted and frustrated. The house is a disaster, I only just paid the bills for June and its nearly the end of the month, and I have many many PhoenixFeather Photography tasks on my list that I haven't really started.

I know this is normal, I know this will pass. I have been through a great deal of deaths in my life. My family is young, they married young, they had kids young (compared to my family I'm an old maid at 26) and so I got to know all but 2 of my great grandparents as well as much extended family. One of my great grandmothers is still alive (I love you Grandma Judwick), but I have been through the deaths of 5 great grandparents, 1 grandparent and a few other family members. None of them are easy, some of them are harder than others. My Great Grandpa Judwick was one of my ideals and his death only a few years ago was very hard for me.

This is different. This isn't losing someone whom I loved and whom I will have fond memories of. This is watching someone I love lose the people he loves. This is watching the pain he is going through, and that his family is going through.

When Kevin's father David died last year, I think I still barely knew Kevin. I had met his father once and talked with him on the phone and heard stories. He was a very cool man, but I didn't know him that well. Kevin and I had been dating about 6 months and really weren't incredibly serious about each other. David's death was sudden, he was only 60 and the whole thing was very very hard. I say was but I shouldn't... it still IS very hard. I give Kevin lots of credit for the way he has dealt with everything. I got to know Kevin more than I had planned to then. I'm grateful that I did, but at the same time I wish it hadn't had to have happened that way.

I'm not really sure at this point where I'm going with all of this. I feel the need to explain why writing and pictures have been slow, and will continue to be since we will be going away again very soon. It will turn around and there will be things here again.

I also feel the need to write down what I'm feeling in hopes of maybe sorting it out.

Kevin's birthday is this Sunday. I haven't gotten him anything. I talk to him every day, I stand beside him, watch him, do what I can to help. I cry inside because no matter how Kevin hides it I can see what he is feeling, how he is hurting and there is nothing else I can do that I'm not already doing to help. Neither of us sleeps well lately and sometimes when I'm awake I watch him sleep. When I'm trying not to think about what is going on, I try to think about something happy, what to get him for his birthday.

Anything I get him for this birthday just seems so trivial. I wish I could give him his birthday back.

In all this mess that is the world we live in, really getting to see the depth and beauty of the a human heart is like catching a shooting star.

Once in a blue moon three stars fall together.

This is just a short little Happy Birthday message for my little sister. Lyndsey is turning 21 today!!! (I swear I don't know where the years went - I feel so old)

Got the new Nikon D70 Digital SLR camera today! *bounce*

Us Portrait by Kevin Fox; Editing by Me

A long long day, but oh so good.

Kevin and I went to Berkeley for the day. He had an eye doctors appointment at 10:30 and we also had a dinner and movie party at Emily's (in Hayward) at 7pm, so it made sense for us to spend the day hanging out in Berkeley. Yay!! Always fun.

So Kevin let them put things in his eyes and when they were done we picked out new glasses for him. He's so very cute in glasses... looks so smart. And then the day really began...

We started with exploring campus. Well, exploring for me, not so much for him since he graduated from Berkeley. There is still a lot that Kevin hasn't shown me, and he is ever so excited about sharing. So we wandered around and took pictures. I was proud of myself as I randomly identified a tree from a picture Kevin had taken years ago. After a while we got hungry and shared a panini sandwich from the Musical Offering restaurant; which was followed by browsing through Hot Topic, walking the Berkeley streets and smiling a lot.

We paused to view and photograph two boys playing metal music on their violin and cello. The boys weren't more than 20 years old and related (they have the same last name). Called Judgement Day; we enjoyed their music as well as the ability to photograph them so we gave a donation and were given a CD in return.

Their music wasn't bad. Technique was a little bit lacking, but their style was good. A lot of potential here and even more important a lot of spirit! I wish them luck.

After that we went to the Berkeley Hat Store. This store is my weakness! While I can rarely justify buying a hat, I do love them ever so much. This time however was not about me. While I had fun trying a few on, there were no hats that called to me. There was a hat that called to Kevin though. Kangaroo leather, squishy and very very cool. We walked some more and enjoyed a beautiful day. I took a bunch of pictures, which will be going up soon!

After Berkeley, we went over to Karen's to say hi, drop off some books, borrow her bike and visit for a bit. We gained a Paul there and soon headed over to Emily's for yummy Chinese food and to watch the Miyazaki movie "Laputa: Castle in the Sky". Dinner was wonderful and this was a great movie, though I had a hard time staying awake at the end. It had been a long day and it was catching up to me (didn't go to bed till almost 2am the night before).

Home at about midnight I happily climbed into bed and passed out; exhausted in body and mind!

We have 4 of them... and so what if they aren't human, we still love them.

Starting with Nym, she has been my sweet little kitty for almost 3 years now. Since moving to CA she has been living around the corner from us with Ammy and Rick. We are soon going to try Kevin on some allergy medicine and hopefully be able to keep her here. For now she occasionally comes to visit. Like today!

Then there is feeder. He is the smallest, but the next oldest pet. Let me explain that feeder the fish wasn't susposed to live. We bought him and two other feeder fish for 10 cents each on the suggestion of the pet store. The idea was to get something living in our new tank and create an eco system. Because they were cheap fish, it shouldn't matter if they died. Well out of the 3 we still have Feeder (named so since we didn't want to get too attached). We waited a while before getting new fish, figuring once Feeder went, we would get started with our tank. Well feeder has decided to hang around for about a month now, and we are attached now, so he better stay for at least a little while longer.

This brings me to our newest additions, Goldie and Usta. Goldie is the smaller of the two goldfish. Usta is the larger who has a white band around her lips (Usta means lips in polish). We picked these two cause they wanted to be together. They were in two different tanks with a tank in between them. But both fish kept swimming up against the inner walls seeing each other across the tanks and trying to get to each other. Or at least this is what we tell ourselves. We have reunited them, and they are happy.

So the fish have fun swimming and Nym has fun watching them and its all a great big happy family!!

Thanks to Ryan for this post!!!

Here is a really quick quiz you can take to find out how your beliefs fit in with the political parties. Don't take this as law or how you should vote. Get to know the ideas of all of them. But this at least is informative.

I came up Left Liberal Though my dot on the graph was very close to the Libertarian line and not too far from Centerist.

My score was 90% Personal Self-Government and 40% Economic Self- Government. I'm not quite sure how I got 40% Economic... I said Maybe on a bunch of things. In a lot of economic areas I'm undecided.

Anyway, What was your score?

A little bit about the person writing this silly blog:

My name is Rachel Lea Fisher

Nicknames: I most often go by Rachel or Rachel Lea. I also answer to Rhea. I really don't like being called Rach or Ray, though if you spell the last one Ra I feel a bit more god like and its okay. :)

Where: I live in Mountain View CA with my wonderful boyfriend Kevin. We live in a great townhouse that has a beautiful garden that I now spend lots of time in. Down the street lives my Cat Nym, who will hopefully be coming to live with Kevin and I as soon as we can get him some medicine.

What: What am I and what do I do? Hmmm... well I have a BA in Speech Communications (backgrounds in Theatre, Computers and Philosophy) from Susquehanna University; I also have my Masters in Arts Management from Carnegie Mellon University.

Since graduating from CMU in May of 2003, I have been in search of a theatre management job (development, marketing, events planning, general management) in the San Francisco bay area, or elsewhere if need be.

In the meantime, I'm playing at being part-time photographer. You can see my photos in the In Pictures... section of my site.

Why: Because life is fun!!!

Want to ask me a question? Please do!

Hello and welcome to Phoenix Feather web log: In Words...

Its taken me quite a while, but I have finally gotten my very own blog set up!!! (With lots of help from Kevin. He is wonderful)

I don't know if everything I write will be great and interesting, but please come and read and chat with me. It will be fun!

Overall life is odd, interesting and sometimes crazy - if for no other reason, come here to laugh a bit while I tell the story of my life. *grin*

See you all soon!