Today was a really good day. It’s hard to explain the feeling of just well pure content that I have right now. I'm not sure if I've ever felt this good and its for no other reason than a good day with Kevin.

A good morning (if you know what I mean) and we actually got up at a decent time and decided to go out. Often weekends we bum around too much in the morning and then get frustrated when we have to rush to get anything done (I really wish stores operated on Rachel time instead of closing so early).

Anyway we went to view an open house for some condos made by the same builder who is putting the houses in across the street from us. We wanted to see the quality. While yes, they do still have that "exactly the same as the rest" kind of feel, the quality is pretty good.

On the way to open house we saw a sign for an estate sale and decided to stop after. We had so much fun! I had that odd nostalgia feeling for people I had never met. The place felt and smelled like grandparents (well great grandparents to me - I have a young family and still have a great grandmother alive at 89 or 90 years old I think). It just felt so like visiting my great grandparents - it was good. We bought several things
- some tailored suit coats that fit Kevin perfectly and were very nice
- a beautiful red dress my mother might be able to wear at my sisters wedding
- a great green bow tie complete with shamrock and Irish pipe
- and a lawn gnome
Kevin had a very hard time passing up an old eight track player with cassette converter. I love him for wanting it, I love him more for passing it up anyway. ;)

We picked up food and decided it was time for our third trip to Patio World to look at furniture for the back yard. Third trip because so far things had been coming out close to right, but never quite what we wanted - however recently having visited another store we changed our mind about stone vs. wood and decided to see what we could find with our new perspective. It worked; we found exactly the right table and chairs. I'll post a link later.

Returning him I was thrilled to find that B&H Photo had decided to send me (well and phoenixfeather) a 700 pg catalog of things I could buy. This is my new bible, I fawn and drool just looking at it. I think Kevin is getting jealous. Jealousy or not we put it too good use as we knew there were a few things we needed for traveling, specifically better traveling bags for our equipment. So we went to Keeble and Shuchat, picked out the pieces we liked best for our needs and then went back to the car to check prices on those items at B&H. We are saving so much money doing it there, and we still got to see the bags in person first. Prolly not fair to K&S - but we do also buy from them at times so it shouldn't be too horrible.

Kevin and I did a little more shopping and then had lemonade at a cafe and talked through our to do list for the week. It was nice and relaxing and refreshing and productive. Those words don't often seem to go together.

Home again we vegged. Did some research, ordered Thai food, watched a ton of Sex in the City episodes while also doing a little work on our computers. We have been sitting here side by side most of the night, computers on laps, discussing our activities (Kevin has been playing poker and winning a lot - thank you someone for paying for the new patio furniture. I'm updating old photo albums into the format and working on a dynamic archive).

Its been a wonderful evening sitting here. Some times I feel like the computers cut us off from each other. For that reason we have purposly had them in the living room less and less. Tonight it just worked.

So now I'm tired - its sleeping time. I just needed to share my content!

My throat is raw from all the porcelain worshiping I did last night, and my stomach is threatening things, though it feels so much better that I think its bluffing. There is nothing left in my stomach for it to threaten with!

Kevin was so sweet last night. I slept on the futon because my stomach wouldn't allow me to sleep on it as I normally do, but in the futon I could curl into the crease and feel mostly comfortable. Laying just on my back has never been very comfy to me. I tried to send Kevin up to bed where I wouldn't disturb him, but he refused. He camped out on the love seat beside me just in case I needed him in the night.

I think that I ate something bad a day or two ago. I don't know why it took so long to really effect me, but both Monday and Tuesday I ate half a sandwich (which could be the culprit) and then didn't have any desire for a second meal that day.

My stomach is still in the problem land that the doctor's can't quite figure out. But for the last few days it been a bit different. I wish there was a good way to determine if it was something I ate (and what that thing was) or if its a bug of some kind.

*sighs* oh well, I guess I'm taking it easy today. I had all sorts of business naming plans for the day. :( maybe I'll feel okay a little later to go out.

For the last week I've been having a hard time looking at my poor little car in the driveway, all banged up and crushed and violated. But she was still in the driveway so it was okay.

My car's name is Guinevere and even though she is about 11 years old she is still young at heart. I learned to drive on her, she spent some time at school with me, she took me to see long distance boyfriends, and to live and work in NH, MA and PA and all over the place.

I took off to see the country and spend some time on my own, but she was there with me, all the way to Utah and back to NY and everywhere in between. She got some great parallel parking experience in Pittsburgh, and then she drove Nym and I all the way out to the bay area. She helped me begin to learn this new area, she was always there.

She has had her problems, but whenever I sit down in her its like coming home. She is part of me, an extension, my wings!!

I love Gwen and I can't imagine walking outside and not seeing her there in the driveway or the parking lot or whatever. I don't like the idea that I will never sit in her again. She is my pet and my friend. I know she is just a car, a piece of metal, but she is mine and tomorrow she will be gone.

:( :( :(

Bye Gwen, I will miss you more than ever I thought would. Sometimes love just sneaks up on you.

My little baby sister got engaged today!! Congratulations Lyndsey & Brian! I'm so happy for you both.

(btw: just so that you can look at this picture right, my sister is about 5' 7'')

Kevin bought me a ring!!!!!!

Now before any of you go jumping to conclusions, just settle down. Its not the kind of ring that has that whole "till death do us part" ceremony attached to it. Very appropriate joke for halloween though. ;) But anyway, its not that and it won't be for a while, if ever, so just hold your horses.

Anyone who knows me from before I moved to California knows that I have an affinity for rings. I used to wear four to five daily. And nearly all of my rings have story or meaning behind them. When I moved to California and started losing a bit more weight most of my rings stopped fitting me and I had to stop wearing all but two of them. Often times my hands feel naked.

One of the rings I used to wear was a claddagh ring. I have missed it, I liked having a symbol on my finger that could tell people if I was in a relationship or not (provided they were in the know). When I couldn't wear my old one anymore Kevin said he would get me a new one, especially since the ring should be from and worn for the person you are in a relationship with. Well we never found one we liked and it got put off with everything else so I've been about 6 months without a claddagh on my finger... Till Now!!!

In my favorite little jewelry store in Palo Alto, Shady Lane, we found the perfect ring.

Its a non-traditional claddagh ring since it is missing the crown. The hands symbolize friendship, the heart symbolizes love and the crown is meant to symbolize loyalty or in some older interpretations it could possibly be fealty. I could say that the ring without the crown is a more updated ring for today's woman... but really I just like it this way!

Anyway this is my new ring that my Kevin got for me. I love him and it so so so much!!!

(The other ring is the emerald I bought myself after graduating with my Masters In Arts Management from CMU)

Kevin is in Pittsburgh right now. I wish I was with him, I miss Pittsburgh in a lot of ways. I really miss the people and in many ways it was a cool place to be. We decided that I shouldn't go this time mostly due to the upcoming closing on the house. Oh well.

I miss my Kevin too... and he did the sweetest thing. Yesterday after he landed he called to let me know that the flight went fine and he was there safe and sound. We hung up before he took the tram from the terminal to the main section of the airport. A few minutes later Kevin called me back; he was on the other side of the tram and had just passed security and was standing where he and I had first met (yes, Kevin and I met face to face for the first time in an airport). We have been to that spot many times since or first meeting, as I picked him up from some trip or another or we both were traveling, but there was something super sweet in the thought that he was standing in that spot alone and thinking of me!

Okay, end the sappy... we will now return to your regularly scheduled blogging.

I got back late Tuesday night from spending a week in Florida helping out Rex. It was really good to be able to spend time with him again, in the 8 years of our friendship we are so rarely end up in the same state.

I'm glad to be home. I missed Kevin! I have missed my bed a lot this summer. I've missed my sanity at times. :)

The last few months (well the last year really) have thrown a few curve balls at Kevin and I. Not just at us, at a lot of people. I've decided that its done. Nothing else bad is allowed to happen for a while. I HAVE SPOKEN AND SO IT SHALL BE!! Or at least we are going to try for it.

It will take me a little while to rebuild my psyche, get my head and emotions back online. Kevin has been amazing, I can only hope I helped him as much.

Today Kevin and I went for a bike ride and I went to the gym for my yoga class. I'm feeling better already. My body is waking up again and it feels good. Tomorrow morning I'm treating myself to a deep tissue massage. I Cant Wait!! Then to top it off we are going to get away for the labor day weekend. I really looking forward to getting away to relax. Ali and Mark are joining Kevin and I for a weekend in Carmel. Rest and relaxation, good friends, good food, and a pretty environment. Just what the doctor ordered!

I'm having a good day!!

Given, it took me a little longer than anticipated to package up and send out the photograph proofs from the recent event I photographed. But they are sent out and it looks great.

Our Amazon order came!! Woo Hoo we now have new Invader Zim, Buffy Season 6, and the new Jasper Fforde book. This makes me awfully happy!!

Talked to Rex again, he was finally released from the hospital yesterday and is doing well. Got a couple casts to deal with before full rehab starts, but he is doing well. AND he is not in a evacuation area of Florida, he'll get a good storm, but nothing horrible. We are making plans for my visit out there in a couple weeks. I haven't seen him in so long... I'm looking forward to see him again, and bossing him around cause he can't get up and do anything about it! ;)

And to top the whole day off I have a date with Kevin tonight!! I'm so very excited... I'm really looking forward to a relaxing evening with someone I love!!! *sighs of happiness*

Have I mentioned 13 is my lucky number? *big Friday the 13th grin*

I love my kitty so very much. She is the sweetest thing. Funny, a bit dumb, sweet and playful and cuddly.

I love her but I have to give her up, and this is tearing me up.

She has a couple of behavioral issues. She doesn't like change, to be left alone too much, new people living in a house that she already lives in, or other cats. Her most frequent method of showing displeasure is peeing on beds or places of personal space. Its quite a list I know. What she needs is a stable house, one with possibly an older person who is home a lot, can pay attention to her and isn't making huge changes in their life. Or maybe just a big safe backyard and someone to put food out for her once in a while.

I talked to vets when I lived in Pittsburgh, and they told me there really wasn't much I could do but wait and maybe it would work itself out. It's been about 2 and a half years and talking to the vets today they agree with the first and think that I could try things but that they most likely wouldn't work.

Personally, with everything that has been going on in life lately I can't deal with getting my hopes up and continuing to try again. Ammy who has been gracious enough to take care of her for me for quite some time can't and shouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

I'm going to have to give up my sweet Nym and I hate that. Since she has been living at Ammy's (do to Kevin's allergies) I think that now is the time to give her up. She isn't hear everyday so I'm less attached. I still love her as much, but she isn't a part of my everyday life and while its still not easy, I think this is easier than if I started having her living with me again and then had to give her up.

If anyone knows of someone who is willing to take on a very sweet but rather difficult cat, please let me know. I'm currently making phone calls and will prolly try and deal with this today or tomorrow cause I won't be able to take dragging it out any longer.

On the up side...

Kevin and I saw Sarah McLachlan Saturday night. It was exactly the kind of calming beautiful evening I needed.

We sat about 30 seats back at the Berkeley Greek Theatre. The evening was a little cool, but we had sweatshirts and a blanket. The night was beautiful and throughly enjoyed the stars and the sky above us. I only wish I were laying on a hill for this concert.

When I was in high school I used to go to concerts at the Finger Lakes Community Arts Center. I never bought actual seats, I always sat on the lawn. The nice thing at FLCC was that they let you bring a picnic. But the best part really was having a blanket and the sky above me. I could dance if I wanted to, or I could lay on my back and stare at the sky and let the music just rush over me like water.

Good music and a clear sky are two of the most wonderful things in life. I'm considering tickets to see Norah Jones and for that one I will get lawn seats. I don't need to sit in a chair. In fact I'm often against chairs. And I'm very much against being crowded into a little space. I don't need to see the artists face, yeah its quite cool to be up close, but what is really want is just to hear their voice and the instruments and let it all soak into my skin.

Last night (the 11th) was Kevin and I's 1.5 anniversary. Silly I know... but I'm a hopeless romantic. We had a beautiful evening. I picked up some food and we had a picnic at Google and watched the Space Station pass over us on its revolution. Then we drove down to Redwood city to catch site of a Iridium Flare. The flare was pretty cool.

On our way home we tried to find a coffeehouse that we could have a nice drink and play some card games at, but nothing stays open late anymore. Its very sad!!

Overall two nights in a row that were more relaxing than stressful.

I love my boyfriend! And I love life! Ups and downs and everything. :)

I'm sorry I haven't been writing very much. The truth is that I don't know what to write. You know that Kevin's grandmother is ill and we have been back and forth between LA quite a bit. I don't want to go into the details because Kevin has a beautiful post he is working on writing that will explain things better than I can right now. But the short of it is that things are not going well.

Amidst all of this we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin's fathers sudden death, only a day after Kevin's birthday.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand to watch Kevin have to go through this all. I know that I have done everything I can to help him and his family. I know that just being there I have helped Kevin. But, like with all death, I feel very helpless and useless.

I find myself frustrated with many things in life right now and I have less and less desire to be around people. I was actually relieved with Ceili dancing was canceled last night because as much as I know it might have been distracting and that people there would be supportive, I still feel like its a public place and I have to be strong and have on a good face.

I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted right now, and the less times I HAVE to be strong the better. Too many tears in a public place and suddenly its a scene. I was ever so grateful to spend my evening with Ali and Krissy and Ester with chocolate and alcohol and hot tub and kitchen counters no worries about being strong. Being somewhere I felt like I could cry if I wanted to and not worry about it. Being somewhere comfortable where I didn't have to be alone.

I'm not getting stuff done either. Today I will because I need to get more pictures scanned so that Kevin and I can finish the photographic slide show of Grandma Kitty. But other that stuff directly related to what MUST be done ASAP, I find myself distracted and frustrated. The house is a disaster, I only just paid the bills for June and its nearly the end of the month, and I have many many PhoenixFeather Photography tasks on my list that I haven't really started.

I know this is normal, I know this will pass. I have been through a great deal of deaths in my life. My family is young, they married young, they had kids young (compared to my family I'm an old maid at 26) and so I got to know all but 2 of my great grandparents as well as much extended family. One of my great grandmothers is still alive (I love you Grandma Judwick), but I have been through the deaths of 5 great grandparents, 1 grandparent and a few other family members. None of them are easy, some of them are harder than others. My Great Grandpa Judwick was one of my ideals and his death only a few years ago was very hard for me.

This is different. This isn't losing someone whom I loved and whom I will have fond memories of. This is watching someone I love lose the people he loves. This is watching the pain he is going through, and that his family is going through.

When Kevin's father David died last year, I think I still barely knew Kevin. I had met his father once and talked with him on the phone and heard stories. He was a very cool man, but I didn't know him that well. Kevin and I had been dating about 6 months and really weren't incredibly serious about each other. David's death was sudden, he was only 60 and the whole thing was very very hard. I say was but I shouldn't... it still IS very hard. I give Kevin lots of credit for the way he has dealt with everything. I got to know Kevin more than I had planned to then. I'm grateful that I did, but at the same time I wish it hadn't had to have happened that way.

I'm not really sure at this point where I'm going with all of this. I feel the need to explain why writing and pictures have been slow, and will continue to be since we will be going away again very soon. It will turn around and there will be things here again.

I also feel the need to write down what I'm feeling in hopes of maybe sorting it out.

Kevin's birthday is this Sunday. I haven't gotten him anything. I talk to him every day, I stand beside him, watch him, do what I can to help. I cry inside because no matter how Kevin hides it I can see what he is feeling, how he is hurting and there is nothing else I can do that I'm not already doing to help. Neither of us sleeps well lately and sometimes when I'm awake I watch him sleep. When I'm trying not to think about what is going on, I try to think about something happy, what to get him for his birthday.

Anything I get him for this birthday just seems so trivial. I wish I could give him his birthday back.

I'm a good media designer and with that a decent website designer. But you see my current biggest frustration in life is that I live with a UI designer.

Kevin is amazing at what he does. My biased little love struck mind isn't the only one that thinks so, hence he works at Google on Gmail among other accomplishments. He gets asked his advice/opinion by more than just little old me.

On the flip side: WHY DO I LIVE WITH A UI DESIGNER????

Okay, got that out. I feel better. His advice and help is making my new website better and better. And I'm grateful that he gives the advice since its hard to be critical to the face of someone you love. Its just that I really really want to move on to the next stage of my project. PLEASE!!!

*sighs* okay, back to work.

Kevin and I both received "Picture of the Week" awards for photographing each other last week!

left photos by Rachel, right photos by Kevin
(click on photo to see enlargement)

... the gentle "wack wack" of a kitty tail against the side of your head as she sits on the back of the couch behind you! Odd I know, but its so nice to have my kitty here with me. Its odd things you miss about those you love.

Tonight I took my first intermediate class at St. Stephen's Green Ceili dancing. It was fun, confusing but fun and I'm feeling good about my dancing progress. It was a good dancing evening though I didn't take too many pictures. Kevin was able to come for a little bit. I really do miss dancing with him; he has been too busy the last few weeks to go dancing much. Overall a good night!

Home now winding down from the evening. Weighing heavily on my mind right now is tomorrows doctors appointment. This will be my third breast exam in less than two months (if you don't know the story you can read it here).

I'm not sure what I think or feel about any of this anymore. Its not the worst it could be, it might be nothing, or something mild which could still call for removal. Who knows at this point, all that I do know is that I'm a ball of nerves. Not knowing is killing me as much as the possibility of knowing. Weird I know - but true. Anyway, tomorrow I see the doc again and we will see what happens.

I have to note how thankful I am for Kevin. When I spaz-out about one thing when this is really what bothers me, he figure it out and forgives me and holds me. He's also going with me tomorrow, he will mostly just be waiting for me, but just knowing a friendly face will be there after is one less worry.

In any case thank you to everyone who helped me learn new dances tonight; And wish me luck tomorrow.

Got the new Nikon D70 Digital SLR camera today! *bounce*

Us Portrait by Kevin Fox; Editing by Me

I spent the evening last night in the best way possible: having a pajama party with my best friend!!

Kevin came home from work around 11 and I was already tired, but rather than being pathetic and going to bed we pulled out the futon, got into our pjs, put in Joe Versus the Volcano and muched at some Ben and Jerry's special core filled ice cream.

It was wonderful. By the end I was half asleep, but besides just cuddling and laughing and such we would wiggle dance when Tom Hanks was dancing on the screen, and pretended we had our own typhoon on the little raft of the futon. I love the playfulness - I love pajama parties with my best friend!

I'm laying on the couch bored right now. Normally I'm really good at entertaining myself, but I'm at a loss right now. So I'm going to ramble a bit.

First off, on a odd thing happened yesterday. I very simply walked to the mailbox, just barely down the complex road. You wouldn't think something odd could happen in that short time span, but it did - it was a douple ganger day and they were stalking me.

My first clue was the caw I heard, I looked for the crow who made it and found not one but two crows so cuddly together they almost looked like a two headed crow. I know what you are saying... silly Rachel, two black birds is no big deal. It was just funny as I just looked down from the birds and found two orange cats having a hissy fit just below. I said odd, not life shattering, work with me here folks.

So then today was a good day. Slow kind of lazy start Kevin and I eventually decided to go on a walk with our cameras. It was a nice walk... we were out for quite a while and took quite a few pictures. We went all along Castro St and circled along down the Central expressway, did some back streets, visited Ranstorff Park and then wandered home.

I LOVE spending the day with Kevin. We have so much fun just randomly wandering and doing whatever. We have our moments (And I'm really sorry I've been a bit stressed and sensitive lately hun!), but it was a wonderful day and its a wonderful life having a partner like him!!!

Oh, so also I/we are really excited! Tomorrow we are getting the new Nikon D70 Digital SLR camera. Really Kevin is getting it, but he is a cool boyfriend and shares. We held it today when we went to pick up some batteries and film for Kevin's current SLR camera. It was so pretty. So we called to check on the status of the one we had ordered, and it doesn't look like we will have it for at least 2 weeks minimum. So we are going back to the store around the corner and picking it up first thing tomorrow. I'm oh so excited.

Anyway, I guess thats all the babble from me for now. I'm sure I'll talk about more important things soon, I have some ideas on the burner.

See ya later kids!